(Statue of Hardonious, circa 1300 B.C., on display at the Algerian Relic Center)
Twas the year Negative Thirteen (-13) in a location believed to be present day Algiers that a young buck of a bastard who we’ll call ”Gene” involuntarily flung his hard-headed dong (then known as a “flesh branch”) toward the heavens only to be greeted by Hardonious, the highly-respected God of Chubbies.
Startled at first, “Gene” then shouted, “Hardonious, my flesh branch has launched itself at you, the God of Stiffys!”
“Hear me out Gene!” Hardonious boomed. “You have grown a bone inside your woody. It may appear to be wood, but I assure you, it’s actually a bone. Sling it at women when they are nude!” Hardonious then bellowed in his James Earl Jones voice, “And if you are not nude and a bone magically appears, it’s called pitching a tent. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!”
“Gene” was ecstatic. To his knowledge, nobody had ever snapped a fatty. Up to this point in history there had never been a documented erection and intercourse was strictly a pastime of the gods. Indeed, in those days humans reproduced magically — the same way grapes suddenly turn into raisins.
Hardonious continued, “Use your pocket rocket wisely! Treat it as you would a carrot made of gold, a cucumber made of diamonds, or a tuna can made of tin!”
Gene yelled, “But Hardon, you’ve used so many different names for when my dick becomes firm and casts itself upright. What is the proper term for this decent new trick?”
At that moment, two goddesses (the goddess of porn and the goddess of anal beads) made their way out of the sky and grabbed Hardonious by his famously formidable wang (see picture, above). “Call it a boner! Call it a boner! Can you hear me? Call it a boner!” Hardonious and his horny crew then disappeared amid playful squeals and laughter behind the clouds.
Our good friend “Gene,” the first human ever to pop a boner, then sat down Indian style amidst the endless plains and stared at his suddenly-vast shlong. It was the dawn of a new era in humankind’s existence. The following years were said to usher in mankind’s first makeout and first salad toss. To be sure, no moment would prove as significant as “Gene’s” first boner until a Visigoth from Poland who we’ll call ”Yim” perfected the art of flossing with pubic hair. Charming, significant, promising, behold – the story of the first boner ever popped.
