Decent Football Picks, Week 11

Posted on November 20, 2009 by fugaze

I’m just going to make one final point about last weekend’s debacle in Indy before we move on to bigger and better things with the Pats in 2009: If Charlie Weis was on the Pats sideline, they might have won.

Here me out. First, full disclosure: I am a big Notre Dame fan and think Weis is the man. I also sweat Belichick. The two of them together are an unbeatable team.

Now that that’s out of the way, here’s why Weis may have won the game for the Pats: He would have challenged Belichick’s decision to go for it. I’m willing to bet my life savings that when Belichick decided to go for it, not one coach or person with a headset on the Pats sideline every questioned it. Not any of the 30-year-old up-and-coming offensive assistants that we’ll be hearing about in the years to come (like offensive coordinator/QB coach Bill O’Brien) or defensive veteran coaches (Dean Pees, Pepper Johnson) probably said one word but “If you say so, Bill.”

Not that the decision was wrong, I personally agree with the call 100 percent, but any good leader should get challenged by his peers. Just the different opinions and vantage points can make a difference, and right now, the Pats lack some of that. It really is all Belichick, and only Belichick. He’s surrounded with “Yes” men.

I’ll never forget Josh McDaniels yelling at Belichick before halftime of the San Diego game last year. McDaniels had the stones to challenge the guru, and look where he is now. Weis has the respect of Belichick and the stones to call him out on it. Would Bill have given it second thoughts, punted, and held on for the victory if Weis was around and had said, “Bill, punt the f’ing ball.” The Pats might find out of Weis gets canned from Notre Dame, because he’s headed right back to Foxboro.

I won the picks last week (9-6), being the only one to choose San Francisco and Carolina, but I’m still in last place with a pathetic 66-76 record. Helmet (7-8 last week, 79-63 overall) still holds an edge over Capt. Tubesteak (8-7 last week, 71-71 overall) in the overall running to have a threesum with the other two’s ladies.

Anyway, here are the lines on this weekend’s games: Miami (+3) at Carolina, Cleveland (+3½) at Detroit, Buffalo (+8½) at Jacksonville, Pittsburgh (-10) at Kansas City, Peyton Manning (pick) at Baltimore, Atlanta (+6½) at New York Giants, San Francisco (+6½) at Green Bay, Seattle (+11) at Minnesota, Washington (+11) at Dallas, New Orleans (-11½) at Tampa Bay, Arizona (-9) at St. Louis, New York Jets (+10) at New England, Cincy (-9½) at Oakland, San Diego (-3) at Denver, Philly (-3) at Chicago and Tennessee (+4½) at Houston.

Helmet Head’s picks: Carolina, Detroit, Jacksonville, Pittsburgh, Peyton Manning, Atlanta, San Francisco, Seattle, Washington, New Orleans, Arizona, Cincy, San Diego, Philly, Houston and New England.

Tubesteak: Miami, Detroit, Jacksonville, Pittsburgh, Peyton Manning, Atlanta, Green Bay, Minnesota, Dallas, Tampa Bay, Arizona, New England, Cincy, San Diego, Philly and Houston

Fugaze: Miami, Cleveland, Buffalo, Pittsburgh, Ravens, Giants, 49ers, Minnesota, Washington, New Orleans, Arizona, New England, Cincy, Denver, Philly and Houston.

So how do we, and my copy of Madden 10, think the Pats will make out this weekend?

Madden 10 (Pats 29, Jets 28): Stephen Gostkowski nails a field goal with 17 seconds left to lift the Pats to a victory. Glad he made it; he had missed two earlier in a 3-for-5 kicking effort. Brady threw for a classic video-game number of 450 passing yards.

Helmet Head (Pats 47, Jets 3): “Dude, seriously?  Not sure I can even give a recap. Pats are irate, the Jets a) suck and b) are extremely unlucky to be playing the Pats after that horseshit game. F’it.”

Tubesteak (Pats 52, Jets 6): “Just found out the world is supposed to end on December 21, 2012. I wish I had known earlier. Looks like it’s finally time to try growing a beard. I think I’ll also start smoking more cigarettes, eating more stew and kissing more babes. And one more thing: How the hell did we lose to the Jets earlier this season?”

Fugaze (Pats 114, Jets 3): There are two big reasons why I should pick the Jets this weekend: They have a great defense and they beat the Pats earlier in the season, but there’s one big reason why the Pats will kick ass: Belichick is pissed. The Jets are going to get a full dose of a pissed off guru at Foxboro this weekend. Remember when Spygate broke and everyone was talking about how Belichick was a cheater? “If you ain’t cheating, you ain’t trying,” is what LaDanian Tomlinson said the week before traveling to Foxboro. Pats dominated that game, 38-14. Never play the Pats when Belichick is irate. Never. NEVER.

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Thursday Ramblings

Posted on November 19, 2009 by fugaze

Michelle Thompson suffers from PSAS

Meet Tubesteak’s dreamgirl, Michelle Thompson, above. What makes her Tube’s top babe? She has a rare medical condition called Persistent Sexual Arousal Syndrome. Her condition forces her to constantly crave some loving. She has 300 orgasms a day! Her recent plight is noteworthy, though. She has dated men on and off but has never found one who can satisfy her endless cravings for sex. But don’t pity her, she has found a new man and is thrilled about it. Apparently, her neighbor is the man of her dreams. She says they do it 10 times a day and she constantly has a smile on her face. That would make me smile. … People say the recession is over, but tell that to all the unemployed guys out there. Well, I just might have a part-time gig that is fun and pays pretty decently for you jobless fellas out there: Become sperm donors! Here’s how it works: Walk into a sperm bank, answer some questions, meet with some administrator and jack off in a cup. The lab will test it, and if your count is high enough and you don’t have AIDS or any other disease, they will ask you to sign a contract asking you to come in twice a week to whack off in a cup. When your six-month agreement runs out, the lab will save the samples and sit on them for six months for more testing. At the end of the six months, head back in and collect up to $50 for every jack-off session. That’s roughly $2,500 for flogging the dolphin a few times a week. The Sperm Bank Directory has more information and a map to find a bank in your area. There’s one in Cambridge for all you Boston fellas. … Three links for your enjoyment this Thursday: 1) Moviefone offers its best disaster movie scenes. I vote for NYC getting tidal-waved in Deep Impact; 2) Got a shitload of extra cash lying around? Here’s seven outrageously expensive things no rich asshole can do without; and 3) Newsweek takes a look at the 10 worst predictions of the decade. No. 8 still pains me to think about. … Want more proof that Gerard Butler, aka Leonidas from “300,” is the man? He admitted on a British TV show that he has more threesums that twosums. … Today would have been Miss Elizabeth’s 49th birthday if she didn’t die of a drug overdose in 2003 at the home of Lex Luger. Miss Elizabeth, whose real name is Elizabeth Ann Hulette and was married to Randy “Macho Man” Savage for many years, was in a relationship with Luger at the time of her death. She ended up working at the front desk of a gym Luger owned after she couldn’t cut it in the wrestling business any longer. … Happy 74th birthday to Jack Welch, also known as the Father of Management. He is arguably the most influential American businessman in history and his works are mandatory reading for business students at many universities around the country. Did you know that Welch, the former CEO of General Electric who is worth $750 million, teaches a class at MIT to hand-picked business students focusing on leadership. …  Thursday Ramblings will not appear next week because of the holiday and will return to Decent Community on Dec. 3.

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My Fall Community Project

Posted on November 18, 2009 by helmet head

Oh, hello…  Helmet here.

Many people have been asking where I’ve been.  Good question – let me explain.

In between eating Hot Pocket sandwiches and looking for cool sunglasses, I have spent every waking moment on a very important Fall Community Project.  What you ask?  It’s simple yet complex, both mainstream and far out…  It’s a playlist for Tubesteak.

Sounds simple you may be thinking.  Well, think again.  Making a playlist for Tubesteak is like painting a neoclassical style painting for Picasso.  The dude is a Mix Tape Master, the Sultan of Song.  A Vibe Vampire, sinking his tapes into people’s cassette players across the world.  Turning ordinary humans into funkifed dance freaks.

So without further adieu, I present you with my Fall Community Project.  I call it:

Tubesteak’s Playlist an ode to the Mix Style Series:

1)  Phil Collins -  Sussudio

2)  Hall and Oates – Private Eyes

3)  Men At Work – Down Under

4)  Huey Lewis And The News – Stuck With You

5)  Tommy Tutone – 867-5309/Jenny

6)  Phil Collins - Don’t Lose My Number

7)  Genesis – I Can’t Dance

8)  Hall and Oates – Maneater

9)  The Blues Brothers – Soul Man

10)  Huey Lewis And The News – Back In Time

11)  Boston – More Than A Felling

12)  The Police – Every Breath You Take

13)  Bill Joel – Tell Her About It

14)  A-Ha – Take On Me

15)  Kenny Loggins – Danger Zone

16)  Genesis – Invisible Touch

17)  Tom Cochrane – Life Is A Highway

18)  Don Henley – The Boys Of Summer

19)  The Cars – Shake It Up

20)  Steve Winwood – Valerie

21)  Van Halen – Jump

22)  Don Henley – All She Wants To Do Is Dance

23)  Toto – Africa

24)  Kenny Loggins – Footloose

25)  Robert Palmer – Addicted To Love

26)  Steve Winwood – Higher Love

Maybe if you leave a comment Tubesteak will make a podcast of Tubesteak’s Playlist for us all to enjoy…

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World Stats in Real Time

Posted on November 18, 2009 by tubesteak

Gosh! The Community couldn’t resist sharing this site we just came across that updates significant world statistics. Like the world’s population at the time of this is 6,806,613,380 but it goes up more than a person per second. It’s not only population that this thing details —  there’s government, economics, society, media, environment, food, water, energy, and health.

It’s wild to see the way these statistics move. For instance, there were 14,956,951,525 cigarettes smoked so far today, and that increases faster than 100,000/second. Another — if gas is consumed at the current rate, there are 60,784 days left until we run out. There have been 40,490,683 abortions so far this year. We could go on, but you should check this site for yourself. It really paints a vivid picture of the world we live in.

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Dear Decent Community: Help Me Find Cheryl

Posted on November 18, 2009 by fugaze

Decent Community is more than an interesting, humorous Web site for a break from the daily grind. We also strive to help our fellow brother and sisters in any way we can. That’s why we took a few minutes this morning to publish a letter from a reader in need of a little assistance:

Dear Decent Community,

You guys Rock! Seeing as how everyone I know reads this site and your reach far exceeds New England, I’m hoping you can help me find a missing person. The woman I’m looking for is named Cheryl, and she used to be a hair stylist at Best Cuts in Dartmouth, Mass. She has been working there for more than 10 years, offering cheap, quality haircuts at lightning speed. Her speciality is getting you in and out in about eight minutes while offering friendly conversation and a decent smile.

Last time I went in there, I was told that Cheryl no longer works there and the other hair cut ladies didn’t know where she was. She is a bigger girl but it second to none in terms of niceness and quality haircuts.

So I was hoping you could ask your thousands of readers if anyone might know where she ended up. My hair is getting kind of out of control and I need a hair cut before my Nana comes up for Thanksgiving. You know how hard it is to find a good haircut lady? Thanks so much, you guys rock!

Sincerely,

Aaron in New Bedford

PS: Where’s Helmet Head been? I know he’s leading the football picks but I miss reading his funny stuff.

Well good luck Aaron, maybe one of our readers will track her down and let us know. In terms of Helmet Head, he’s picked up crochet and has been hiding out in his apartment with some needles and fabric with his girl for a few months now. Anyone else out there need help? Drop us a line at decentcommunity@gmail.com.

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Decent Site of the Week: Douchebag Alert.com

Posted on November 17, 2009 by tubesteak

This week’s decent site of the week is called DouchebagAlert.com. If you’re familiar with the site “Hot or Not,” it’s pretty much the same deal. You get a picture of a douchebag and rate how big of a douchebag the bastard is. Seems like most of the people featured on the site are douchebags — and calling them out makes you feel pretty decent!

And while we’re on the subject of douchebags, Tubesteak is currently working on a project for school (and hopefully The Community) called the Douchebag Museum. It’s gonna be bad to the bone, and I’d love to hear suggestions from Community members regarding who and what belong in that museum. Leave a comment below!

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F**K You, Buffalo, Twice Over

Posted on November 16, 2009 by fugaze

What’s the best way to celebrate your football team winning on Sunday? Flip off those losers, of course!

That’s exactly what Tennessee Titans owner Bud Adams did yesterday in his team’s victory over visiting Buffalo. Jim Wyatt, a columnist at the Nashville Tennessean, caught Adams in the act for a SECOND TIME. The video above was taken in the fourth quarter, minutes before Adams went down to the field to flip them off again.

“The 86-year-old owner made an appearance on the sideline in the closing minutes, and even did a little dance as the Titans capped a 41–17 victory. Then he turned toward the Buffalo sideline and gave the Bills the middle finger. Make that two middle fingers — Adams was using both hands,” he wrote in Monday’s edition.

I wonder if the NFL will fine him? That would run Ochocinco about $20,000. Apparently, middle fingers were flying around a lot on Sunday. I popped a few in the closing minutes of that disaster in Indy last night, which is still painful to talk about (sorry to bring it up and ruin your day, Pats fans).

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Decent Football Picks, Week 10

Posted on November 13, 2009 by fugaze

I just can’t get enough of Bill Belichick. And thanks to NFL.com, I was able to get my guru fix in for the week thanks to the five-minute video they posted of him mic’d up against the Dolphins last week.

It’s not often that the guru is heard during a game. All I usually hear is those generic, monotone answers at those press conferences, but Belichick is fired up as any coach would be during the game.

Few highlights from the guru instructing the Pats D against the Fish: 1) He predicts a lot of Pat White during pre-game warmups (White ended up getting their longest gain of the day); 2) He tells the D to fake blitz before the snap to throw off Chad Henne right before the Dolphins QB calls the timeout he didn’t have, costing them five yards because of the confusion before the snap; 3) He has a nice talk with Jason Taylor after the game, saying he “has all the respect in the world” for him and that he’s a hall-of-famer when he plays against the Pats; and 4) He cancels the team’s day off on Monday saying “Last week was your week off” and telling them to get ready for Indy. Awesome stuff.

Last week was another miserable one for the football experts here at Decent Community. Helmet was the leader with a weak 6-7 record, followed by Fugaze (5-8) and Capt. Tubesteak at 4-9. Helmet also holds a commending lead in the overall standings and is on his way to having a threesum with Tube and Gaze’s women. Helmet is the only guru over .500 (72-55) while Tube (63-64) and Gaz (57-70) are fading fast.

Anyway, here are the lines on this weekend’s games, taken straight from Las Vegas: Chicago (+3½) at San Francisco, Jacksonville (+7) at New York Jets, Denver (-3½) at Washington, Cincinnati (+7) at Pittsburgh, Buffalo (+6½) at Tennessee, Detroit (+16½) at Minnesota, New Orleans (-13½) at St. Louis, Atlanta (-1½) at Carolina, Tampa Bay (+10) at Miami, Kansas City (+1½) at Oakland, Seattle (+8½) at Arizona, Philly (+2½) at San Diego, Dallas (-3) at Green Bay, New England (+3) at Peyton Manning and Baltimore (-11) at Cleveland.

Helmet Head’s picks: Chicago, New York, Denver, Cincy, Buffalo, Detroit, New Orleans, Atlanta, Tampa Bay, K.C., Arizona, San Diego, Green Bay, New England and Baltimore.

Tubesteak: Chicago, Jacksonville, Denver, Cincy, Tennessee, Minnseota, New Orleans, Hotlanta, Miami, Oakland, Arizona, San Diego, Dallas, New England and Baltimore.

Fugaze: San Francisco, New York, Denver, Cincy, Buffalo, Minnesota, St. Louis, Carolina, Miami, K.C., Arizona, Philly, Green Bay, Pats and Browns.

So how do we, and my copy of Madden 10, think the Pats will make out this weekend?

Madden (Colts 29, Pats 21): I agree with Madden on this one … If Tom Brady throws five interceptions, the Colts will win. The Pats D was up for this one. Peyton Manning posted a 79.1 QB rating and Joseph Addai averaged 1.9 yards a carry. Turnovers, turnovers, turnovers.

Helmet Head (Pats 17, Colts 6): ”Pats D gets horny, but so does Indy.  Low scoring affair.  High scoring love affair.  Lots of love making goes on Sunday night and even more when the Pats are playing.  Lonely ladies rejoice and please themselves aggressively.  Couples take their rudeness to the next level.  Single men flock to the lounges for a nibble on a nipple and women the same for a cocktail.  Folks are randy and it shows.  This weekend Sunday is no different.  Lack of concentration on offense because of the Sunday-sex-time schedule and increased aggression on the defensive side of the ball makes this one a dirty grudge match between to heated rivals, much like it will be off the field and in the bedroom at 8pm for the rest of us civilians.”

Tubesteak (Pats 38, Colts 31): “I’ll admit Peyton Manning is an alright QB. But I imagine he’s terrible at doing tongue twisters. Like one of the worst in the world. He talks like he’s got a ten pound dump in his throat. I’ll never understand how he does so many commercials. Maybe he gives rim jobs to a bunch of CEOs.”

Fugaze (Pats 42, Colts 36): Wow, we’re in for an entertaining game on Sunday night. Brady vs. Manning, Titan vs. Titan. This is going to be like Lukie and Guenette in Poyente’s pit or Denver vs. Helmet in a Mexican Standoff. Pats come out on top in what is probably a preview of the AFC Championship game.

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Thursday Ramblings

Posted on November 11, 2009 by fugaze

What’s the best way to dispose of a rotting whale carcass? Well according to the Oregon Highway Division, it’s with a half-ton of dynamite. Our tale begins 39 years ago when a dead sperm whale surfaced on an Oregon beach. Officials from various state agencies put their heads together, with a little help from the U.S. Navy, and decided that rather than bury it, they would blow it to pieces. The result was whale blubber being shot hundreds of feet in every direction and even damaging parked cars in a nearby parking lot. The smell lingered for days and that incident is now seen as one of the greatest examples of “be careful what you blow up.” The video footage became famous years later when the Internet got going. … Speaking of the Internet, Computer viruses have adapted from minor inconvenience to stolen credit card numbers to getting you thrown in jail. Take in point the new virus that automatically downloads child porn to your computer and then calls the FBI on you. I’m not joking. … There’s getting buzzed, getting wasted, blacking out, then there’s almost dying. The latter happened to an Iowa college student pledging at one of those D-Bag fraternities. So after shotgunning five beers, this freshman was forced to chug cups of grain alcohol. He ended up with a blood alcohol level of .500, which is more than six times the legal driving limit and apparently in the “lethal” category. Well he survived, but one guy who didn’t is the world record holder who blew a .90, according to Reuters. …  Three links for your reading enjoyment this Thursday: 1) Poor guy comes home from vacation to find his house was destroyed to make room for a hotel parking lot; 2) Law students from small community college defeat their peers from Yale, Boston College and Boston University at a recent mock trial competition at Harvard; and 3) Rabbits are now getting penis transplants. … Happy 27th birthday to Hollywood actress Anne Hathaway. Fans of classic starlet Judy Garland will be happy to hear that Hathaway is set to play Garland in a biopic titled “Get Happy” which is planned to hit theaters in 2011. … Happy 32nd birthday to former Playboy centerfold Dalene Kurtis, who in September 2001 became the first Playmate of the Month without pubic hair. She laid the carpet (pun intended) for generations of ladies to embrace the wax and razor. … Finally, happy 41st birthday to baseball player Sammy Sosa. He is the all-time leader in home runs for a player who was born outside the U.S. (608) but i’ll always remember him as the guy who suddenly couldn’t speak English at that congressional hearing on steroids back in 2002. And what’s with the Michael Jackson “I’m going to be white” thing he’s got going on right now?

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Decent Site of the Week: 80’s Tennis.com

Posted on November 11, 2009 by tubesteak

Nostalgia alert! Nostalgia alert! Dece Community wanted to give a shout to one of our favorite junctions in sports memory — that would be tennis in the 1980’s. Thankfully, we’ve unearthed a pretty far out site dedicated to this era called 80’s Tennis.com. If you have any appreciation for this period of tennis, we advise checking out the site.

80’s Tennis.com has quite a few decent features. It breaks down raquets by brands and players and shares some great memorabelia from personal collections. The site also provides stats, rankings, and head to head breakdowns. And of course, what would 80’s Tennis be without awe-inspiring fashion? These outfits get better with age, and they’re represented in full force at 80’s Tennis.com. Bask in the nostalgia!

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Funny Metaphors

Posted on November 10, 2009 by tubesteak

Every year, English teachers from across the USA can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year’s 25 winners:

1. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

2. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

3. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

4. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

5. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

6. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

7. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

8. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

9. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. Read more »

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Decent Community Family Photo

Posted on November 9, 2009 by fugaze

From left, Fugaze, Tubesteak and Helmet Head posing for a Christmas card.

Since the holidays are coming up, Tubesteak, Helmet Head and I figured we’d take a group photo we can put on our Christmas cards. Seeing as how things get really busy around the holidays, we figured we’d get a head start on our decency. After much deliberation, we decided against posing with red sweaters with pets and a pile of snow in the background for something our lovely female readers would appreciate more. Keep an eye out because the mailman is going to be delivering some decency next month.

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DC Podcast Vol. IX

Posted on November 6, 2009 by tubesteak

DCPodcast Image

Hello DC! Just posted what’s probably have the most decent podcast thus far. Trust me — you’d be missing out if you didn’t jive on these jams. Good mix here, including DC’s fave jam from Phish’s Exile on Main Street cover at Festival 8. We also got some swamp rock, bone-in funk, and some more subtle numbers that totally seal the deal.

Click here to listen to and download the Decent Community Podcast.

The Community would also appreciate any feedback on these larries. Maybe some suggestions, or some jams you’re dying for other people to hear. Just give us a holler – DecentCommunity@gmail.com. We’d love to hear about what you’re listening to, ways to improve to the podcast, etc. Really hope you enjoy the podcast.

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Decent Football Picks, Week 9

Posted on November 6, 2009 by fugaze

Patriots fans should be thankful Joe Kapp isn’t under center anymore. Who’s Joe Kapp? He’s only, statistically, the worst quarterback of all time. When the Patriots took the field for the 1970 season, they had high hopes for Kapp, who was named to a Pro Bowl after being selected in the 18th round of the 1959 NFL Draft by the Washington Redskins.

Unfortunately for Patriots fans, Kapp left all his magic in the Mid-Atlantic.

He started the first five games of the 1970 season before being benched, and it’s easy to see why. He completed only 43.8 percent of his passes (weak) and threw 10 interceptions to one TD (pathetic). His passer rating is a record-low in the modern NFL of 23.8 (horrific). Also of note on the list of the worst quarterbacks of all time is Mike Taliaferro, Pats QB who posted a 26.9 rating in 1968, good for third worst of all time, then put up a 36.2 rating after taking over for Kapp in 1970. Imagine paying for season tickets that year? Ouch. Also of note on the list of terrible QBs is Derek Anderson, who since being put in for the benched Brady Quinn in Cleveland, has a 36.2 QB rating and nine picks in six games.

For the first time this season, Fugaze won a week! That’s right, the move is on for me to move out of the basement and catch up to Tube and Helmet. Actually, we were all pretty pathetic last week. ‘Gaze (5-8) edged out Tubesteak (4-9) and Helmet (3-10) but remains in the basement with a 52-62-1 record while Helmet (66-48-1) maintained his lead over Tubesteak (59-55-1).

Anyway, here are the lines on this weekend’s contests, taken straight from Las Vegas: Kansas City (+6½) at Jacksonville, Baltimore (-2½) at Cincinnati, Houston (+9) at Peyton Manning, Washington (+10) at Atlanta, Green Bay (-10) at Tampa, Arizona (+3) at Chicago, Miami (+10½) at New England, Carolina (+14) at New Orleans, Detroit (+10) at Seattle, Tennessee (+4) at San Francisco, San Diego (+5) at New York Giants, Dallas (+3) at Philly and Pittsburgh (-3) at Denver.

Helmet Head’s Picks: Jacksonville, Cincy, Peyton Manning, Atlanta, Green Bay, Arizona, New England, Carolina, Detroit, San Francisco, San Diego, Philly and Pittsburgh.

Tubesteak: Jacksonville, Baltimore, Houston, Atlanta, Green Bay, Chicago, New England, N.O., Seattle, San Francisco, San Diego, Philly and Denver.

Fugaze: Jacksonville, Cincy, Manning, Falcons, Green Bay, Arizona, New England, Carolina, Seattle, San Fran, G-Men, Philly and Denver.

So how do we, and my copy of Madden 10, think the Pats will make out this weekend?

Madden (Pats 27, Fish 23): The Pats turned the ball over five times and still managed to get a win thanks to Tom Brady’s three fourth-quarter touchdowns. Tommy finished 412 yards through the air while Wes Welker led the charge offensively with 14 catches for 178 yards and a score. The Dolphins ran the ball a lot (37 attempts) but mustered only 110 yards on the ground.

Helmet Head (Pats 34, Phins 26): “I see a tall man, a crowded room, a fort made out of sheets and blankets, a pair of spandex shorts, a plate of linguine, a red cross symbol, a WWII army tank, a plate of curly fries, a dimly lit one way street.”

Tubesteak (Pats 31, Fish 13): ”‘Boom boom boom, let me hear you say wayoh! Wayoh!’ For some reason I respect the fish this year. Of course the Pats will win, probably pretty handily. I still say the Dolphins are one of the more underrated teams in the NFL. Now, if you don’t mind, I’m going to get back to eating my franks and beans and singing ‘boom boom boom let me hear you say wayoh.’”

Fugaze (Pats 38, Fish 16): The Dolphins got lucky beating the Jets last week. How often do two kicks get run back in the same game? Regardless, Miami is always a tough matchup for the Boys of Belichick, but I don’t see the Fish putting up much of a fight. The Pats had a week off to prepare for Miami and the Wildcat and that should make this week an easy one.

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Thursday Ramblings

Posted on November 5, 2009 by fugaze

Two big thumbs up for the Rose Alley Ale House’s Halloween Party last Friday. Two highlights: The two girls dressed as hookers making out with each other (and everyone around them), and the guy dressed like the Jagerbomb Dude walking around saying “I shower in that shit” while double-fisting Heinekens. Got a few minutes? Vote on CollegeHumor’s Halloween Costume contest. What a great display of creativity. I voted thumbs up for the two guys dressed up as Mortal Kombat and NBA Jam arcade machines. Good brainstorming for next year, too. … Could A-Rod sound any gayer than his remarks on the podium after last night’s win? … Those of you who are already sick of it getting dark at 4:30 should move to Arizona, Hawaii or Puerto Rico, the three spots in the U.S. that don’t set the clocks back. Why? Well Puerto Rico’s decision has to do with its latitude and longitude. Hawaii is already in its own time zone anyway and Arizona, well good question. Google doesn’t seem to know either. Guess just another reason why Arizona is a very decent state. … As if being Irish wasn’t awesome enough already, a new study finds that an Irish accent is the world’s sexiest. Past top holder, the weak French accent, fell all the way to fourth, behind Italian and Scottish. The study, which interviewed more than 5,000 chicks, also says that 60 percent of those chicks have banged someone just because of their accent. Decent. Sucks to be an American in this discussion though as the U.S. was just 10th on the list. … This week’s sign of the Apocalypse: Snuggie For Dogs. Yes, those gay Snuggie commercials are now advertising ones made especially for your little Muffy. Here’s the deal, dog-lovers, two Snuggies and two recordable dog tags for $14.95. Ouch. … Three links for your reading enjoyment this Thursday: 1) Bear mauls two terrorists hiding out in a Middle Eastern cave; 2) You knew this was coming on Halloween — A guy gets a DUI while wearing a breathalyzer costume; and 3) Meet the person being billed as the next Steve Irwin. … Two thumbs way up for Law Abiding Citizen. This week’s not-that-bold prediction: Gerard Butler is headed to superstardom in the next two years. … Happy 68th birthday to folk legend Art Garfunkel. Did you know that the less-successful half of “Simon and Garfunkel” is a bibliophile? Nothing bad, just maybe considered a reading addict. On his Web site, he shares a list of every book he’s read with over 1,000 entries. … Happy 32nd birthday to porn star Brittany Skye. What sets her apart from all the other decent ladies of porn? She ducked under the ropes in the final round of the 2003 U.S. Open, ran onto the putting green topless with “Golden Palace Casino” stenciled on her boobs and gave a flower to Jim Furyk. She spent two nights in jail and was fined for the incident. In true Thursday Ramblings fashion, here’s Skye in action.

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Emails Hurt IQ More Than Pot

Posted on November 4, 2009 by tubesteak

Decent Community has been alerted to a recent study that says people distracted by their Blackberrys and iPhones suffer a greater loss of IQ than a person smoking marijuana. So for all you people out there who think toking herbs isn’t decent, maybe they should consider chilling out with the emails and texts.

This study makes total sense. I picture all those chicks out there who walk around holding their phones with their palm up (above, pic #1), ravaging their little devices like a squirrel attacking the season’s last acorn. Shouting things like “Like!” and inputting prose like “OMG 2much!” as their IQ deteriorates into something smaller than a pointy little nipple.

To everyone — take a breather from technology. Clear that noggin of yours every once in awhile. It’s probably better to not know what’s going on every second of everyone’s life. The habit intensifies to the point where you’re not thinking for yourself and not relying on yourself. If you have difficulty ripping yourself away from your Blackberry, maybe some grass will mellow you out – you’d be lowering your IQ anyway, right?

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How Badass is Dolph Lundgren?

Posted on November 3, 2009 by fugaze

Dolph Lundgren saved his wife’s life without lifting a finger.

Our tale takes place in May and was first reported by The Daily Mail. Armed robbers busted into Lundgren’s Spanish villa. The three men tied up his wife, Anette Qviberg, and forced her to hand over cash and jewels.

Who knows what would have happened next if one of the men didn’t see a family photo of Lundgren and the woman in one of the bedrooms. Immediately after seeing the photo and realizing it was the home of Ivan Drago, the three men fled the home, leaving all the cash and jewels behind.

There’s no question in my mind that if Lundgren, the 6-foot-5 black belt best known for his work in Rocky IV, were home, neither of the three men would have made it out in one piece.

On a side note for anyone who thinks Lundgren is just some big, dumb toughguy: He holds a master’s degree in chemical engineering and has a genius-level IQ of 160.

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Alan Francis is Our Decent Bastard of the Week

Posted on November 2, 2009 by tubesteak

“I let the ringers do the talking.” So says Alan Francis, one of the greatest horseshoe pitchers the world has ever known. This mustachioed marksman has won a record-setting 15 Men’s World Horseshoe titles since 1989. During one tournament, Alan Francis threw a record 64 consecutive ringers! Talk about a Burlington Shower! Talk about Alan Francis being named our Decent Bastard of the Week!

The good-natured Francis is not only a tremendous shoe tosser — he’s also a decent guy. Known as the game’s greatest ambassador, he’s the ultimate celebrity on the horseshoe circuit. “Even his opponents like him,” says Paul Stewart, president of the National Horseshoe Pitchers Association (NHPA). “He’s a polite and humble winner.”

Francis, who works as a salesman for a commercial printing company when he’s not throwing ringers, could get any chick he wants. But in a move displaying ultimate allegiance to horseshoes, he married a babe who is also a world-class shoe tosser. “She is the ringer for my ‘metal stake,’” says Francis.

While most of us have wet dreams of possessing Alan Francis’ sharp-shooting prowess, he recognizes his duty as the world’s pre-eminent horseshoe sniper. ”I have a God-given talent that I shouldn’t waste,” he says. ”I want to be as good as I can be, because I know people enjoy watching people throw ringers.”

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Decent Football Picks, Week 8

Posted on October 30, 2009 by fugaze

Imagine how much your team would suck if you played against Peyton Manning every week?

Enter Exhibit A: The Detroit Lions. While better than winless teams like St. Louis, Tennessee and Tampa, the Lions are playing like a winless team. They are allowing opposing quarterbacks to post an average rating of 118.7, the highest in the league and slightly higher than Manning’s league-leading 114.5. So if you break it down, the Lions play against a slightly better version of Manning every Sunday. No wonder they suck.

Football guru Jonathan Comey from The Standard-Times and SouthCoastToday.com is an expert at numbers and how they tell the story of NFL teams, like the “improved” Lions. What are some of the other numbers he’s come across?

  • The Miami Dolphins lead the league in third-down conversions (53.8%), are second in time of possession (34:46) and fifth in rushing (4.8 yards per attempt) but sit at a measly 2-4 record.
  • Remember how much Rex Grossman sucked? He threw interceptions on 3.64% of his passing attempts. But hey, everyone in Chicago thinks Jay Cutler is Jesus, even though he throws picks on 4.78% of his 2009 attempts.
  • Buffalo rookie safety has 91 yards on five interceptions in the last three games. In that same span, Terrell Owens has 10 catches for 84 yards.

Read more from guru Jonathan Comey at sports.southcoasttoday.com.

Lord Helmet led the way again last week with an impressive 9-3-1 showing. The push comes courtesy of the Houston Texans, who beat the weak San Francisco 49ers by just three points. Anytime your team benches its starting QB in the middle of a game, you should beat it by more than a field goal. Tubesteak was second with a decent 8-4-1 week while Fugaze remains in the hole with a 6-6-1 week. Overall standings: Helmet (63-38-1), Tubesteak (55-46-1) and Fugaze (47-54-1).

Anyway, here are the lines on this weekend’s games. The spreads are taken from Las Vegas, the mecca of everything that is decent: Denver (+3½) at Baltimore, Cleveland (+13½) at Chicago, Houston (-3½) at Buffalo, Brett Favre (+3) at old Brett Favre, San Francisco (+12) at Peyton Manning, Miami (+3) at New York Jets, St. Louis (+4) at Detroit, Seattle (+9½) at Dallas, Oakland (+16½) at San Diego, Jacksonville (+3) at Tennessee, Carolina (+10) at Arizona, New York Giants (pick) at Philly and Atlanta (+10) at New Orleans.

Helmet Head’s picks: Denver, Cleveland, Houston, Green Bay, Peyton Manning, Miami, Detroit, Dallas, San Diego, Jacksonville, Arizona, G-Men and New Orleans

Tubesteak: Baltimore, Cleveland, Buffalo, Minnesota, Peyton Manning, Miami, Detroit, Dallas, San Diego, Jacksonville, Arizona, NY Giants and New Orleans.

Fugaze: Denver, Chicago, Houston, Green Bay, Peyton Manning, Miami, Detroit, Seattle, Oakland, Jacksonville, Arizona, Giants and Falcons.

So how do we see the rest of the Pats season shaping up?

Tubesteak: “If the Pats season were a sex romp, seven thrusts would have been executed. And like what usually happens after seven thrusts, ooze has been shot. But don’t worry, it wasn’t a serious load, and the second wave of thrusts are more enjoyable for everyone because they go deeper (playoffs) and there’s a better climax (Super Bowl). So by my count, there’s still 12 thrusts left — and I see each one becoming more exceptional than the previous. As the squad gels into something resembling Ron Jeremy, look for the Pats to pound away on other teams — until they’re finally crowned as the best fuck in the NFL.”

Fugaze: The bye week couldn’t have come at a better time for the Pats. Come back from Europe with an easy win and watch as the rest of the league beats each other up for another Sunday. New England’s next opponent, Miami, will have its hands full against Mark Sanchez this weekend and should be a little drained when they come to Foxboro next weekend. After the Fish it’s at Peyton Manning (never easy) then hosting the NY Jets. This is make-or-break time for the P-Men.

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The Lighter Game

Posted on October 30, 2009 by tubesteak

Nothing says “I’m a chill-ass stoner” like the lighter game. Smoke a doob or two, maybe throw on some jams and creatively balance a lighter on the back of your hand. It’s total freestyle. Improvise, go with the flow — be smooth. Explore your range.

How do you play? First you have to mellow out. Then you stand up and toss the lighter around and balance it on the back of your paw. You can play solo, but the vibes are better with more people involved — more sharing going on, tapping into the communal spirit. That sort of thing.

People who are dank at the lighter game are the same people you want to become friends with. They obviously have their shit together and give off an artful aura. These guys are expressing themselves through an otherwise non-existent medium by taking the lifeless lighter, adding their own colorful and imaginative stylings, and thus rendering their own version of what is and what isn’t.

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